What Does It Mean To Be Erotically Intelligent?
By Michelle Kasey
‘What makes someone good at sex?’ is a question I find endlessly fascinating. It’s also one that tends to be approached with caution – perhaps because socially, we’re expected to blow minds between the sheets while simultaneously being taught to feel shame, guilt and fear around our sexuality. It’s no wonder the vast majority of people feel (or have felt) at least a little insecure about what they bring to the bedroom. How could we not, when we’re swimming in mixed and emotionally charged messages about our bodies and pleasure?
Recently, I watched a sex-positive documentary where a diverse group of people were asked, “What makes someone good at sex?” Most everyone responded with “good communication.” I nodded along, agreeing with this diplomatic answer that acknowledges the subjectivity of good sex–one man’s yuck can indeed be another woman’s yum–but I couldn’t help making a mental list of other objective skills I think make someone a sex-cellent lover. I like to call this having erotic intelligence.
Good sex isn’t a personality trait–it’s a skillset. Meaning, anyone can learn how to have it! I certainly didn’t know how to have good sex when I started out. Unsurprising, given my only education came from bad advice from friends, sealed sections of 2000s magazines, and porn. But over the last ten or so years, I’ve learned to find pleasure, fulfillment and joy in the erotic that I didn’t know was even possible–all thanks to receiving a high-quality pleasure education and safer spaces to rediscover myself.
If you have a cheeky little suspicion that you’re connected to only a fraction of the pleasure magic already within you (which is true for most of us), I invite you to geek out on expanding your erotic intelligence! Here are some of the skills that I consider part of this tantalising toolkit:
Eroticism, a State of Being
It’s common to see sex as a series of physical actions that follows a formula you’ve settled into through repetition. You know, something like: kiss for a few minutes, warm up the nether regions, penetration, and hopefully orgasms.
Instead, I want you to think about sex not as something you do, but as a realm you enter. An altered state of consciousness where the positions you choose have less importance than where you allow yourselves to go in the experience.
As writer and activist Audre Lorde teaches us, eroticism is “an embodied experience that arises from our most genuine desires and passions”.
You can kiss someone on autopilot, following the formula. Or you can kiss someone from the sincere, primal hunger you feel in your body–or the deep adoration you have for your beloved. It’s not the act that matters; it’s the intention and energy behind it.
Learning to get out of your head and let your body take the wheel takes practice. You can start by training your awareness to focus on the moment-to-moment sensations in your body. Every time your mind wanders, gently bring it back—just like in meditation.
Empathy as Foreplay.
“The path to the genitals runs through the heart” – a phrase I often share with clients. Emotional safety is deeply intertwined with sexual satisfaction. It’s about feeling free to reveal your true self to someone, without fear of judgement or rejection.
Think about the people in your life who make your body relax and allow your expression to expand. Contrast them with those who cause your authenticity to retreat, like a sea anemone withdrawing in the presence of a threat. Choose partners from the first group–and strive to be that kind of partner yourself. Those who have learned to recognise, understand, and navigate their own inner worlds while empathising with the emotions of others have better sex.
Present and Attuned.
Presence is being in the moment. It’s about giving the other person your full, undivided attention. I know you already get this, so let’s take a moment to check in: How has the quality of your presence been lately? If you’ve got room to strengthen this skill (and honestly, who doesn’t?) make mindfulness practices like meditation, breathwork, and embodiment exercises your pals.
Attunement, on the other hand, is the ability to be deeply present and responsive to a partner’s desires, emotions and cues, creating a mutually delightful and connected experience. It’s all about tuning into each other’s rhythms, breath, sounds, movements and energy to make the experience collaborative and hot.
Now, here’s an example of what happens when attunement is nowhere to be found: One partner is focused solely on their own pleasure or agenda, completely missing their partner’s discomfort, lack of enthusiasm, or nonverbal cues indicating they aren’t into it. Bleh, not hot.
And yeah, I said “bleh”, but let’s be real–this example is actually pretty common. For a variety of reasons, like how our culture teaches men they are supposed to ‘take charge’ and focus on their own satisfaction, while women are often conditioned to prioritise their partner’s pleasure over their own. If this resonates, take it as your cue to start having open and honest conversations in your relationship(s). It might feel scary at first, but trust me–it’s worth it.
Be Unapologetically You.
I used to think that being good at sex meant putting on a convincing impression of a porn star. More often than not, I’d pull off this performance by ignoring—or even repressing—what my body actually wanted and needed. I felt like my body was difficult compared to other women’s, so I’d sometimes pretend to enjoy things that, honestly, I didn’t.
It’s tremendously common to navigate sex by adhering to the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”. You know those beliefs about sexuality we take on that shape how we think about and engage in sex? Such as “I should orgasm every time or something’s wrong with me” or “I should always be hard and ready for sex otherwise I’m a failure”. If a thought or sentence starts with 'I should' or 'I shouldn’t,' there’s a good chance those words reflect expectations, not what you truly want or need.
Say it with me: “I will never feel sexually empowered or satisfied by pretending to be someone I am not”. So don’t moan if it doesn’t feel good—instead, ask them to try touching you in a way that might actually work for you. Yeah, it’s scary to trust that your authenticity is sexy—but let me tell you, it absolutely is.
Know Thyself.
“But Michelle, ughhh, how can I be authentic when I have no idea what I want or need?” Did I just read your mind? I’d bet a thousand bucks some of you are nodding right now because this is such a common hurdle on the journey.
Self-knowledge isn’t something you’re born with, it’s grown through the trial and error of lived experience. If you want to learn about yourself sexually, you have to give yourself permission to experiment a little, whether with a partner or Han-style (solo).
To give yourself this gift, you may need to lovingly yet bravely face internalised sexual shame, guilt, or even tender traumas. You might have to pretend you’re deserving of pleasure and hot sex until you fully realise that it’s absolutely true (because it is).
At the start of my journey, I was resistant to touching my own body—it felt dangerous. Logically, I knew it was my body and therefore my jurisdiction, but emotionally, I felt frozen in fear. Slowly, though, I grew more comfortable being sexual and curious.
Killer Communication Skills.
Trite, but true: Learning how to teach your partner about your wants and needs—coming from a place of compassion and desire (not blame or shame)—is a sexual superpower. Ditto for learning how to ask for and receive feedback without getting defensive.
An erotically intelligent hottie knows how to ask thoughtful questions before, during, and after intimacy to foster attunement and mutual pleasure. Can you see how self-knowledge lays the foundation for killer communication skills?
Prioritising Pleasure.
Don’t get so caught up on the finish line. We’re taught that orgasms are the main point of sex, so it’s easy to find ourselves ten steps ahead, racing toward that goal. And if one or more people don’t orgasm? Egos bruise, insecurities flare, and the moment can feel like a letdown.
Here’s the thing: focusing too much on trying to have an orgasm can suck all the pleasure and fun out of sex. Did you know many people don’t actually enjoy the pressure of chasing an orgasm? I encourage you to try something a little nutty—ask your partner (or yourself), “Would you like to try to have an orgasm today?” For many, this question can be surprisingly sexy and freeing.
Instead of being goal-oriented, here’s a recipe for better sex:
Set the intention for everyone who wants an orgasm to have one.
Drop the expectation that it has to happen.
Stay present with the moment-to-moment sensations in your body
Gosh, I could go on forever, but my word count says it’s time to wrap this up. Until next time.