How to Constructively Navigate Libido Loss
By Michelle Kasey
I’ll be honest - you aren’t going to find any quick fixes for a low libido in this article. I’d actually be surprised if the libido related challenges you’re experiencing were completely resolved by this information alone. Stay with me here, though, because I’m also confident this article will be incredibly helpful! It feels kind to be upfront, as the last thing you need right now might be more pressure, hurt, or disappointment.
Libido loss is a very normal human experience that makes an appearance in most long-term relationships. The good news? It’s also very resolvable. I’ve helped hundreds of people navigate changes in their libido, and in this article, my goal is to offer a gentle nudge or two in the right direction, helping you have more love, connection and juicy pleasures in your life.
On this journey, it’s important to understand and accept that libido - your desire for sexual activity - is influenced by many complex biological, psychological, and relational factors. Advice like “just start doing it more” or “spice it up a little” may sound simple, but it’s unlikely to lead to meaningful or lasting change. Instead, I encourage you to approach this with a big spoon full of curiosity and patience, exploring the holistic picture of your desire.
Hear me when I say, there is no “normal” when it comes to libido. It varies greatly from person to person and within individuals over a lifetime. If you’ve been experiencing a recent drop, it may simply be part of a natural cycle, and you might find yourself in a sexual spring or even summer again soon! Or perhaps you’ve been in a long winter, feeling frozen and disconnected from your eroticism.
If so, let’s begin the process of thawing, warming things up gently and mindfully. This isn’t about fixing anything - because you’re most certainly not a problem to be solved - it’s about bringing curiosity, attention and care to your experience, allowing your unique expression of desire to emerge.
Allow me the pleasure of helping you recognise five common low libido stumbles, that can be turned into more useful approaches, guiding you into your next season of pleasure.
From “Just Relax” to “Let’s Explore What’s Causing Stress”
Stress negatively affects the vast majority of people’s libidos and every single person on earth’s pleasure. You probably already know this, and the last thing I want to do is make you feel guilty for being stressed - especially when there are so many valid things to be stressed about in life.
I also most definitely think you deserve to feel present, grounded and good in your mind and body. So, if you know that stress is a factor for you, shall we explore a gentle self-care exercise this week?
I invite you to reflect on these questions:
"Is there anything happening in your life that’s been weighing on your mind?"
"Do you feel like what’s on your plate is manageable, or are you juggling too much right now? Do you feel like you’ve had enough time for yourself lately?"
"What are three things around your home that offer you a sense of comfort and relaxation?"
If you’re reading this on behalf of your relationship, you might take these questions into a conversation with your beloved. Stress management in the context of libido is a topic to treat carefully and is best framed as a “we” goal, not a “you” issue - “How can we better understand and reduce our stress levels as a team?”
From “Why Aren’t You Attracted To Me Anymore?” to “How Can We Reconnect Emotionally?”
It can be incredibly tender to both ask and hear the question - “Why aren’t you attracted to me anymore?”
Perhaps you still see your partner as the most handsome or beautiful person you’ve ever known, yet you’ve noticed the spark has faded, and you don’t understand why. You feel something deeper is at play, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.
Or maybe you’ve found yourself no longer feeling attracted to your partner for reasons you can’t fully articulate. You’re unsure how to bring it up, afraid of causing hurt to your honey who clearly needs reassurance.
Or perhaps you’ve felt unwanted by your partner for years. It took immense courage to ask this question, despite the fear of hearing an answer that might confirm your worst fears. But something has to change, and you can no longer avoid addressing it.
Rather than dwelling on the emotionally charged question of why attraction has faded, it can be more constructive to focus on the quality of your emotional connection. Why? Because emotional intimacy and desire are deeply intertwined. When one partner feels unseen, unheard, or unloved, desire often fades.
Take a moment to reflect: How would you describe the emotional connection in your relationship lately? Is it thriving, or could it benefit from growth and care?
“Do you feel like I express my love and appreciation for you in ways that resonate? What’s something small I could do every day to make you feel more loved?”
“Are there moments when you feel especially connected to me? What do you think contributes to that feeling?”
“Is there something you wish I understood better about you?”
From “Let’s spice things up!” to “Let’s reconnect with pleasure together!”
There’s truth in the value of adding novelty to a relationship. New experiences can spark curiosity, reignite excitement, and activate the brain’s reward systems, countering the effects of familiarity that can sometimes dull desire. However, the concept of "spicing things up" can also feel overwhelming or create pressure, leading to shutdowns rather than sparks.
If that resonates with you, shift your focus to creating safe, pressure-free spaces for playful, pleasurable exploration. Let go of expectations and “shoulds,” and instead prioritise comfort, relaxation, and curiosity. This can be a time to reconnect with your body through gentle, mindful trial and error - exploring areas of sensitivity, experimenting with touch, and discovering what feels good now. It’s normal to find that some sensations or styles of touch that were once a ‘yum’ are now a ‘meh’ or even a ‘yuck’. Approach these changes playfully, you’ll soon feel more comfortable being in this space of discovery.
One exercise I often recommend to my clients is dedicating a full month to increasing the quantity and quality of non-sexual physical touch - without any expectation of sex. This might include soothing massages, cuddles, sensation play, hand-holding, making-out, or walking in nature together with your full presence and best energy. These pleasurable moments of connection can build intimacy, reduce pressure, and gently invite libido to reawaken in its own time.
From “We Need to Have More Sex” to “What Makes You Feel Desired?”
It’s common to hear advice like “use it or lose it” when addressing a low libido. While there’s some truth in this idea, framing sex as an obligation can strip away its joy, making it feel more like a chore than a place to experience connection and pleasure.
Instead of talking again about how much you’re not having sex, shift your attention to better understanding what builds feelings of attraction, playfulness and sexual confidence in your relationship. Here’s another round of questions to explore:
"What kinds of compliments or gestures make you feel truly seen and desired?"
"When was the last time you felt truly playful and free with me? What makes that moment stand out?"
“What helps you to feel yummy and confident in your body?”
From “We’ve Got to Fix This” to “Let’s Be Patient and Move Slowly Together”
Pressure might make diamonds, but it doesn’t make pleasure. When it comes to libido changes, a sense of urgency tends to work against you. It’s natural to feel frustrated if you, your partner, or your relationship feels stuck. But rather than focusing on fixing the issue, consider the value of wiping the slate clean and creating a more supportive and nurturing environment - one that prioritises patience, understanding, and mutual care.
That said, it’s equally important to recognise that every relationship involves balancing the needs of both partners. If one person feels neglected due to a lack of intimacy, you want to approach the situation as a team. Open, honest communication about your needs and feelings - coupled with a commitment to finding a resolution together - can cultivate connection and pave the way toward rediscovering intimacy.
To help you on that journey, here’s a final trio of questions:
“What would help you feel more comfortable and at ease as we navigate this together?”
“What would taking things slow and steady look like for you, and how can we honour that pace?”
“What’s one small step we could start with that feels manageable and right for us?”
I hope this has given you a new perspective and a sense of clarity and grace for yourself and your relationship. Making sense of the complex interplay of emotions, relationships, and physical factors that shape libido can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you’d like my support on this journey, don’t hesitate to reach out, I’d be honoured to help.
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Michelle Kasey is an award-winning Sex and Relationships Therapist who's supported 1,000's of people worldwide to have healthier relationships and more satisfying sex lives. She is also a celebrated Burlesque Artist and Writer.
Follow her on Instagram @_michellekasey_ and Facebook.