The Great Orgasm Gap.
Every day, all over the world, women are faking orgasms. Despite being bombarded by ‘sex’ in a hyper-sexualised environment, we have so much to learn.
I’ll admit it. I’ve faked it. And according to a study by the University of Kansas, so have over 80% of all women. Personally, I only know one woman who has never faked an orgasm.
This is a systematic problem in our society.
How did this happen?
Growing up, sex education is often in short supply, focuses almost exclusively on safe sex practices, and often bolsters the shame mentality that’s too commonly associated with sex.
Instead, we are learning about sex through pop culture and pornography. Sex scenes fill our screens, featuring actors/actresses relishing screaming, simultaneous orgasms after zero foreplay and mere minutes of penetration-only sex. Learnings from mainstream pornography are just as unhelpful. These are films made for and by men, that pay little attention to portraying sex that is actually pleasurable for the ladies.
But, why would a woman fake it? What’s in it for them?
Good question! One I have been asked by a number of men, who can’t fathom why chicks would want to deprive themselves of orgasms.
The motivations for fake o’s are varying and abundant. Ranging from ‘wanting to practice one’s acting skills’ (as one study outlined), to a few more commonplace reasons:
Many women believe that men will like, love or want them more, if they are ‘sexually compatible’.
To get it over with faster, since many men will continue thrusting until a woman comes or ‘comes’.
They’ve faked it previously and now feel the need to meet the expectation. #stuckintheloop
The fear that they will hurt their lovers feelings, if they do not climax.
They are drunk and unable to get there. #whiskeydickaintjustforthelads
It appears that this is just another way in which women sacrifice themselves, for the men around them.
So, what can we do about it?
There are a huge number of contributing factors, which I will explore in future content. But there are a few important myths we need to bust, and behaviours we can change immediately:
Fact - Very few women can achieve orgasm through penetration alone.
Many of us know this, but don’t seem act on it enough. This means that clitoral stimulation is not a suggestion, it’s absolutely mandatory. Before and during penetration. Also essential, is 10-20 minutes of foreplay. Minimum. Don’t skimp on that shit.
Toys in the bedroom are friends, not foes! Any requests for such additions to the party, should be met with understanding and enthusiasm. Fellas, this does not reflect negatively on the male in the equation WHATSOEVER. I love a man who is confident enough to encourage the use of sex toys in bed.
Fact - Sex does not have to end in an orgasm to be fabulous.
The pressure to have an orgasm, can sometimes prohibit an orgasm from actually happening! We need to switch our focus from being ‘goal-oriented’ to ‘pleasure-oriented’, and enjoy what’s happening in the moment. If this builds up to an orgasm (or multiple), that’s a delicious bonus!
Fact - What works for some partners, might not work for others.
Everyone, has different wants and needs in the bedroom. So it’s important to have an open dialogue of feedback, regardless of how long you might have been together.
Feedback doesn’t need to be negatively framed. Try following up with some hot ‘reminiscing’ about what was amazing about you last ‘roll in the hay’. This way your lover knows what you loved, and what to do more of.
You could even play with a little ‘mutual masturbation’. This is the perfect opportunity for you and your playmate to observe how you each like to be touched. Plus, it’s amazing fun (not all acts need to involve penetration ya know).
Ladies, we gotta stop faking it and start talking to our lovers about what we actually need and want from them. Don’t submit to another one of our societies messed up rules about women and sexuality. Your pleasure is just as important!
Have you ever faked an orgasm? Broken out of the fake orgasm loop? Had to have a difficult conversation about your fake orgasms? Tell me below.