Pleasure Cums First.

Carpe Diem. Be present. Live in the moment, they say! This way of living and thinking has been welcomed into many of our lives, but hasn’t quite made it’s way beneath the sheets.

It turns out, that we have an uncool obsession with sexual ‘performance’ and having sex only to have orgasms. This obsession has nurtured an environment where many of our sexual experiences can be disingenuous, pressure filled, and outcome fuelled.

Somehow having orgasms, natural lubrication, and ensuring erections is much more important to us, than simply enjoying a delicious, pleasure-filled, intimate experience.

Under Pressure.

Even though it’s not uncommon knowledge that it is difficult for many vulva bearing individuals (and even some penis bearing individuals) to reach orgasm from penetration alone, the statement that ‘sex doesn’t need to end in orgasm to be fabulous’ doesn’t seem to get much traction.

Instead, a lack of orgasms (on the giving and/or receiving ends) often summons feelings of:

  • Disappointment

  • Frustration

  • A sense of failure or inadequacy

  • Questioning if there is something wrong with oneself (or with the other party(ies))

There are such specific expectations of what great sex should look like, that puts an overwhelming amount of pressure on all people to the party. The result? We are inhibited from really letting go and enjoying the moment.

Think about it. Why do you have sex, or want to have sex? Honestly.

Does ‘pleasure’ feature high on the list? Is it on the list at all? Perhaps yes! Or perhaps your priorities look more like:

  • For validation and acceptance

  • Because I love and am committed to my partner

  • Because I am supposed to

  • Attraction or curiosity

  • Because I love cumming

Such responses are nothing to be ashamed of! Lord knows we shame ourselves enough already. But perhaps they represent a mind set, which may be worth checking out.

We are inhibited by a performance based framework, that has us more concerned with showing off our sex ‘skills’, even if they aren’t pleasurable. That has us moaning and groaning, without reason, to keep the enthusiasm up and deliver on this ‘perfect porn-esque sexual experience’. That has hoards of people faking orgasms. That has us feeling total dissatisfaction and sometimes shame, if our sex doesn’t end in climax.

Even further, this mindset has us feeling predominantly relief upon climax. A total damper on the sexual joy and orgasmic bliss I am sure we’d rather be feeling.

So I wonder… How would your world change if your reasons for having sex looked more like:

  • Because I love the feeling of having my pussy licked, or

  • Because I love the sensation of having my hair lightly pulled, or

  • Because I love the sense of intimacy and closeness I experience with my Lover, or

  • Because I love losing myself in the magical, pleasure filled moments!

Goodbye Pressure, Hello Pleasure!

This wondrous journey involves a shift from ‘goal-oriented thinking’, or ‘pleasure oriented thinking’. That ironically provides a context that is more likely to result in orgasm!

I challenge you to try experiencing sex in a way that sees the need for erections, lubrication and orgasm take a back seat. Instead, enjoy touching, holding, grabbing, pulling, grinding, and stimulation. Say goodbye to functioning, and hello to fun!

This may not be an easy transition. Sex for me, is very much a practice. This practice involves letting go of past behaviors and experiences, and looking at yourself in an honest and constructive way. How do you give and receive pleasure?

If we want better sex for the years ahead, let’s abandon the framing of sex as a set of achievements, with perfect performance and multiple orgasms as the goal. And embrace a way of thinking that is obsessed with enjoying the moment, relishing in pleasurable sensations and abandoning the so-called ‘perfect sex formula’. Lovers, I hope you will join me in saying goodbye to pressure, and hellooooo to pleasure.


Tell me…

What's your experience with sex? Have you historically been goal oriented? Pleasure oriented? Has this helped or hindered you? Let me know below!